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10:33am 25/09/2008
 
mood: creative
I've been nostalgic as of late, thinking of songs I loved, people who were part of my everyday life, silly things that made me smile and laugh. And it came to me that while I really do enjoy thinking of those things on occasion, I don't miss them.

I have alot of good memories but I don't ever wish I was living them again. I know my history, I don't feel doomed to repeat it.

It took me 4 months this year to realize that I was a complete person. Perfect in my flaws, always changing and growing and learning and fucking up and atoning for it.

And amazingly, I couldn't be happier.

My business won't be up and running till the new year which is sad, but I'm still working on it, I'm still moving forward.

I've done alot of pruning in my relationships, cutting some back to allow others to bloom, cutting out the dead and dying.

Being busy makes me happy. As much as I needed the time to clear my head space this summer, having multiple projects on the go makes me ridiculously happy.

I'm toying with the idea of going back to blond. I've spent the last 6 years in various shades of red, perhaps it's time for a change

Thunder Bay is a nice place to live. I know plenty of you will disagree, I know it doesn't have everything for everyone, but really nowhere does. All in all we have it pretty sweet here.

Someone keeps stealing the NDP sign off my lawn, I'm on sign #3 now. Why?

Loving the new job at The Finnish Book Store/Kitchen Nook, though I know where my paychecks will be going.

Fun is what you bring with you. We all have that potential.		  
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End Chapter   
10:04pm 16/03/2008
  And after 14 months, it's over. We wanted different things in the end. It's nobody's fault.



So why do I feel like I failed?



A dream I've been persuing for almost 6 years has died.


John, I love you. I wish it could have been different. It was a nice try.		  
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10:33pm 08/10/2007
  Hello Journal,
I stopped posting in you when life got better. I'm back. I guess that says it all.		  
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11:39pm 03/08/2007
  I am slowly driving myself crazy. Maybe not so slowly. And I'm making myself crazy in order to stay sane.  
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12:47am 18/05/2007
 

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time: 11
Physical Touch: 8
Acts of Service: 5
Words of Affirmation: 4
Receiving Gifts: 2


Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz		  
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06:27pm 09/05/2007
  I want a bike. I keep thinking I have no use for one since I live so close to everything. But I have an absolute urge to go for a bike ride. I haven't used a bike in years. It would probably help me get back into shape too. I think I finally need to accpt that my metabolism is starting to slow down. I was shopping yesterday and realized for the first time that I had hips. I've never had hips. I'm not any bigger, just curvier it seems.

I don't know that I'll ever get used to being an adult.

Jill moved out, she's going back home to Alberta. So I'm back to living alone. Not entirely sure how I feel about that. I liked having someone to play Twister with at all hours. Time will tell.

Laundry calls.		  
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12:57am 23/04/2007
  <finland has been good to me so far. I got here last tues. and I'm back home on Thurs. Finland has this way of not only making my think, but also making the things I think seem possible. It also makes me sick, literally. My throat is killing me. I'm pretty sure it's from the lack of sleep and jetlag that just wears my poor body down. <There's still plenty I want to do in the next couple days. Seeing the rest of my family is at the top of the list. Alas, it's past my bedtime if I hope to get up at a reasonable hour. I'll post with pics soon  
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11:41pm 29/03/2007
  drawing personality

What does your drawing say about YOU?		  
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11:23pm 23/03/2007
  I've now finished my first week at Mentor Computers. What a difference! I finally have a job where I can implement my own ideas, someplace I feel listened to even if not always agreed with. It's amazing how quickly my stress level has gone way down.

My concert is in a week. It's coming along really well. Eveyone is putting so much energy and personality into this show. I'm kind of sad I won't get to be in the audience.

On a personal level, has anyone else found that they doubt themselves and their self worth more at nighttime? I feel great during the day, but somehow when evening hits, nothing makes as much sense anymore.

I'm still dealing with some wicked writer's block. All the thoughts are there, they just don't want to transfer to the page.

While I was at work, my roomie got a surprise inspection from the fire marshall. Boy am I in trouble. So tomorrow I'll go pick up some new smoke detectors and reconnect the one's that are hardwired. Hopefully this will only go so far as a warning.

So love and hugs to all. There's too many I haven't seen in too long.		  
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09:22pm 18/03/2007
 

Come one come all. It'll be a great night		  
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07:33pm 16/03/2007
 
mood: hopeful
It's almost funny how I continue to be so blind when people are trying to hurt me. Thankfully I have good friends who are there to back me up and catch me from the downfall.

I start my new job tomorrow. Change is good and often more necessary then we would like to admit. It's hard sometimes figuring out what in life is worth hanging on to. And sometimes harder figuring out how to hang on to it. And sometimes figuring out how to let go. And let the pain go with it.

So I'm sorry to anyone who I let down. And I hope we both learn to get over it, because being bitter won't solve anything.

Does being a grown up ever get easier? Problems were solved so much faster as children. There's got to be a way to incorporate that into life now.

Happy St. Urho's/St. Paddy's days		  
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02:53pm 06/03/2007
 
mood: creative
Funny how I don't write as often when things are going well. All the major stuff that was causing me stress is disapeering and happy stuff is taking it's place. Life is good		  
     
 
   
07:57pm 21/02/2007
  Did a little vocational testing today. The top ten are as follows:

Top 10 Career Matchmaker Suggestions

Interest Rank

1.
Corporate Trainer

2.
Advertising Copywriter

3.
Motivational Speaker

4.
Clergy

5.
Art Director

6.
ESL Teacher

7.
Director of Photography

8.
Director

9.
Foreign Language Instructor

10.
Lobbyist

So what does it all mean? What do I do with this info now that I have it? Nothing on here really surprises me. Where do I head?		  
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06:52pm 19/02/2007
  So I'm still on leave. My doc thinks it's a good idea for my to be off work for another couple weeks. It's certainly been interesting being home this much, and I like filling my days with stuff I actually want to do, but I'm kinda itching to get back to real life.

Preperations have begun on a new show. All music this time. March 31 I'll be in a concert of fun light-hearted broadway numbers. I'm actually a little nervous about it. It's been a while since I sang in front of an audience.

My murder mystery last Saturday went super well. The audience was very responsive. It was great to have a night that was purely fun. I have a feeling there are going to be a lot more of those.		  
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11:56pm 13/02/2007
  Happy Valentines Day to all!

It's once again that time of year where I get very antsy. Things need to move, need to change. What will the change of 2007 be?????

Stay tuned- I have yet to figure it out		  
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11:38am 11/02/2007
  I too have fallen under the spell of the savage cold/flu that seems to be gripping half the city. Someone come shoot me. I can't believe how much energy even little tasks take. Auditions for Much Ado About Nothing are next weekend. Please let me be better by then. Oy
Anyone want to come make me soup?		  
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11:36pm 06/02/2007
  I have a feeling bad things are happening at work and no one will talk to me about it. I feel alone, shut off. Damn this cold weather. I want to go for a walk. I want to stop feeling like I'm standing still. I want answers.  
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01:53am 29/01/2007
  On sat night I decided to be productive around the house. I dismantled the bizarre shelf/closet thing in my bedroom. In the process I cracked plaster in a at least half a dozen places and managed to wallop myself in the chin with a hammer. I have one hell of a funky looking bruise.

I got a package from my dad friday. He sent me a Kalevela silver necklace with a bear design. The little pamphlet says the bear represents strength and leadership. If there was ever a time I could use that it's now.

My panic attacks are getting worse. My doctor is now saying to switch jobs instead of taking leave. Switch jobs to do what? Retail's all I know, which sounds really sad now that I've actually typed it out. I'm actually finding myself jealous of those struggling through school or life because at least they seem to have a goal. I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know when the last time was that I did, and that really scares me.

Anyone care to offer me any insight? Have a really let any of you know me that well? I don't think so. I'm very isolated in some ways, very alone, very secret. It's beautiful irony really since I've always said I wanted my epitaph to read "well loved" not "hard worker" or even "wise and respected". How did I get so lost?		  
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10:07am 19/01/2007
 
mood: happy
23 is now upon me. I feel surprisingly ok about this. Maybe because the rest of my life is so crazy at present. My house is broken again. The basement got flooded with sewage. So yesterday and today my house is entertaining a parade of city workers, insurance adjusters, contractors and the like. I will be broken once all the bills arrive. And yet, life goes on.

Cambrian is holding auditions next weekend. I'm really hoping I get to be a part of this show "Gwendoline" preferably on stage, but crew can be fun too.

In other good news, Jill got a job! YAYYYYY!!!! so by mid-feb I'll start having some help on the bills. Woot!

I'm hoping to have my bday celebrations tomorrow. Plans are still uncertain though.		  
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02:20pm 13/01/2007
  I came home early from work today. I'm shivering and dizzy. I'm planning on sleeping away the weekend. If I don't answer my phone or my emails it's because I don't want to get out of bed, not because I'm ignoring anyone.  
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